My Overdue November Update

It's been awhile since I've written, so I thought I would post a little update as to how things are going. I'd love to write some profound piece of wisdom, but for right now, a little update will have to do.

The first major thing that happened since my last post was losing my hair. It came fast and furious, and even though I knew it was going to happen, it was a bit of a shock. I finally got so sick of finding hair everywhere, I bit the bullet and shaved my head. My hubby was ready to do it right away, but I had to get mentally ready for it. Ladies, it's like being pregnant. The idea of childbirth scares you until your body is so uncomfortable, you don't care how that baby comes out or who sees it. One day, my mind shifted so that I was ready to do it, and off the rest came!

Having no hormones and no hair brings challenges that I can only compare to what I've heard about flying a helicopter. When flying a helicopter, you have to coordinate your hands and feet so that you can steer the helicopter, keep it at a steady altitude, and keep it from spinning. Everything is in a very fine balance, and if one of those controls is off, it can throw you into a tailspin. That is how I can explain the sensation of having no hormones and a bald head. It's like a constant battle to keep from being hot and cold. A hot flash hits, and the zip-up sweatshirt comes off, along with my cap. Then my head gets freezing, and I have to try to balance out the temperature without throwing myself into another hot flash. It's pretty comical to sit on the couch with me. I have to adjust about every 5 minutes!

The second (and best) thing that happened since my last post, was the cruise the hubby and I got to take in mid-November. We had the cruise planned since last March, so when the news came that I would be going through chemo this fall, my only question was, "Can we still go on the cruise?" My wonderful chemo nurse planned my entire chemo around the cruise, so it would come when I would be feeling the strongest in my chemo cycle. We flew to Miami and partied in Key West before boarding the ship for a week through the Eastern Caribbean. It's the longest we have ever been away from the kids, and it was a much-needed break from everything we've been going through. We partied in the casino every night, we visited some amazing places, and met some new, amazing friends. Susie and Vicki - meeting you girls was one of the highlights of the trip!

Once we got back from the trip, my 3rd chemo was held up as my white blood cell count was too low to go ahead with chemo. (Hmmm.... could it be all the fun on the cruise?) The delay in chemo let me have a great Thanksgiving with family and friends, and the week off allowed my body to recover enough to go ahead with my 3rd chemo this last Monday. 3 down means I'm halfway done! Yahoo!

Thanks everyone for all your well wishes. I definitely feel all the love coming my way, and I am grateful for all of it.

The Meaning of a Wig

I went wig shopping yesterday. I haven't lost my hair yet, but it's starting to get a little thin, and "they" say that you should get one while you still have hair. My 8-year-old said I needed to get one in my regular color, so that everyone would still know that they are my kids, and that she wanted to come along. My 5-year-old is excited about me losing my hair and getting the wig, and she has even started drawing family pictures informing me that I have a wig on in her picture. I decided that it would be fun to make it a group effort, so I asked all the women in my family to come along. There were a couple who couldn't make it, but we ended up with a good turnout for a girl's day out of shopping and, of course, lunch.

I have to admit that I was glad to have these women with me as I walked into the store. As I opened the door, I momentarily got a little twinge in my tummy. I like to look good, but I would not say I'm super vain. I don't buy the most expensive creams, I am ok running to the store without makeup, and at this point, I can't justify getting botox or anything else done. Not that I don't need it - just that I am ok with how I look, and I don't feel the need to hang on to a younger version of myself. I may feel differently in a couple of years - but for now I'm ok. (Wait - if I had the money, I would definitely spring for laser rejuvenation - I want to get rid of those sun spots!) Anyway, part of vanity is hair, and I must say that I have never had a great love affair with my hair. I have gone into the wig experience with the attitude that it will be fun to try new styles and colors, and joked to my hubby that on our cruise next month, everyone will think he's coming to dinner with a new girl each night. All that being said, your hair is a very integral part of being a woman, and even for someone who's not extremely vain, the thought of losing it is a little daunting. It's part of what makes you feel sexy, or womanly, and when you think about the whole process of losing it, falling out in clumps, it's not very enticing. Anyway... back to the shopping! As I got the twinge in my tummy, I was so glad that I had all that backup walking in the door behind me, and the feeling quickly faded. We had a great time trying on all different colors and styles, texting pics to the hubby, and I found two, very different, that I liked and took home.

After I got home last night, the enormity of the day hit me, and I was surprised at how emotional I was. What hit me was not the actual losing the hair and getting the wigs. What hit me was how eternally thankful I am for the women in my life who went with me. I have some great girlfriends who are helping me through, and I'm sure I'll blog about them another time, but today is about my family. I had my two daughters, a sister-in-law and cousin who are like real sisters to me since I don't have any, a woman I got through marriage who has become my family, and my aunt, who has always been a second mother to me. As I sat thinking about the day, I thought about what each of these women has done for me since I have started going through all this. One has been praying for me everyday, and bought me the HOTTEST new yoga jacket right after my surgery. We all know how that lifts spirits! One gave up her anniversary at the last minute to watch my kids for the weekend when I had to arrange surgery in four days, and has continued to watch them and get them to school when I have to leave for chemo super early in the morning. Another has come into my house as a Merry Maid force of nature and has gotten my house in order better than I could. Now she has unleashed herself on an unfinished kid bedroom, and I know that within a week it will look like a magazine. Finally, one has continued to be the second mom she's been since she bought me my first baby doll when I was little. She has done my laundry, watched my kids, driven to hockey, and yesterday, she bought me my wigs. It's not the monetary significance of it that made it so moving for me. The wigs are a very intimate thing, and her generosity was a way of taking care of me, just like my mom would have done if she were here. For years, I would have just walked into that store alone, not wanting to bother or burden anyone else, and I'm glad that this cancer is changing me in that way. All of these women have made me feel taken care of, and after years of taking care of everyone else, it is a very welcome feeling. Thank you, ladies, for being my backup when I need it most. I love you all!

Who Let the Truck In, or Welcome to Chemo

I had my first chemo treatment exactly one week ago. When I have chemo, I get to go sit in a fairly comfortable room for 5 hours hooked up to an IV and watch reruns on TV. Not so bad - I brought magazines, my Nintendo DS, and the hubby. All in all, not a bad experience. A little boring, got to take a nap, and then came home. What I really was anticipating thereafter was a couple of days of downtime, maybe tired, maybe nauseous, and then back to my normal self.

I woke up the next morning feeling a little achy, so I walked a couple of small laps around our neighborhood park to loosen up, went to Starbucks with the hubby, and informed my family via text that this chemo thing was not so bad.

Somehow, that night, the chemo truck made it's way up to my second-story bedroom and proceeded to run me over. A few times. It didn't just run me over and go on it's way. It ran me over, threw it in reverse, and ran me over again. Since then, I have had bone pains and muscle aches mainly, only slight nausea (thank goodness), and completely no energy. I joked to the hubby that I didn't feel sick until they were trying to make me better!

I am discovering that I am going to have to adjust to a new "normal" for awhile. I need to let the very willing, loving people in my life take care of me for a change, at least temporarily. And it's kind of a nice change. After taking care of everyone else for so long, it's nice to be taken care of. More moms should have this luxury (minus the chemo). My energy will come back, and then, watch out! I am counting my blessings everyday - more on that next time.

I Have Cancer

Those are pretty shocking words to hear, let alone say. If you are a friend and have not heard, yes, I have cancer. There are so many things floating around in my head about the experiences I have had in the last 5 weeks, that I will have plenty of blogging material. I think that for now, I'll give the low-down on my cancer and where we are at with it, and save the emotions, spirituality, and life lessons for future blogs.

In late August, I had surgery to remove some uterine polyps. I had a very easy recovery, but when I went for my follow up visit a week later, my doctor dropped the Cancer Bomb. I must say how lucky I consider myself. First, for having a doctor who listened to me and told me that what was going on with me was not normal. Second, that he still did an ultrasound after the biopsy of my uterus came back normal. Third, that he decided to do a D&C along with getting rid of the polyps. That is where they found the cancer. As I sat in the exam room waiting for my dr. at my follow up, I thought, "why am I even here?" "I'm doing great!" All of a sudden, it occurred to me that I was going to get my pathology report, and something in my gut just knew that he was going to say cancer. He told me that I had endometrial (uterine) cancer, that I would need a hysterectomy, and he was referring me to a dr. at UCI who specialized in this.

On Tue., Sep. 14, the hubby and I went to see my specialist at UCI - a gynecological oncologist. Is that a mouthful, or what? We talked about the cancer and my need for a hysterectomy. Then "wham, bam, thank you ma'am", I was in surgery 4 days later. A really cool robot did a complete hysterectomy on me laparoscopically. So... now I am 2 weeks post-op, and I am getting ready to start 6 rounds of chemo on Monday.

My prognosis is very good. Even though the cancer had microscopically metastasized onto my cervix and an ovary, making me technically Stage 3, those came out in the hysterectomy. Also good news was that of the 30 lymph nodes they took out, every one came back clear. My chemo is now the "just in case" kind. I will lose my hair, and I may move a little slower than I'm used to for a while, but I believe down to my toes that I will be ok. I feel eternally grateful to have a dr. that my hubby and I feel comfortable with and trust completely. I'm also thankful for my hubby, who has taken on the roles of mom, dad, cook, cleaner, laundress, and carpooler, in addition to all of his regular duties. I love him with all my heart and could never get through this without him. I am everyone else's "rock", and he is mine. I'm thankful to all the friends who brought us dinner over the last couple of weeks. I'm thankful to my girlfriends (that includes my family girlfriends) who have cheered me up, watched my kids, cleaned my house, and just been there to make me laugh.

When the chips are down is when you find out who your true friends are, and I have found out that I am truly rich in that department. I will keep blogging to keep everyone updated. I'm going to start my chemo next week, so I'll let you know how that goes! Take care!

Mom Knows Best

My mom always said I should be a writer. She said it to me countless times during high school and college. I'd always roll my eyes, but I admit I was secretly flattered. As I am writing this, I just realized that the last thing I actually sat down and wrote, besides elementary school projects, was her eulogy 9 years ago. She died very suddenly of a brain hemorrhage, and we were all shocked and heartbroken. I was a new mom, and since I always looked for the silver lining, I felt blessed that she had at least been with me to get me through my first year of motherhood. Anyway, I very carefully crafted her eulogy, as it was monumentally important to me that I express everything I felt for her, and it was a way of giving a final thanks to her for everything she had given to me. The church we booked was so full that people had to stand out front on the lawn and listen to the service piped through the loudspeaker. It was overwhelming to me how many peoples' lives she touched.

Like I said, it's been 9 years that she's been gone. Now I have 3 kids and just hit the big 4-0 last year. My youngest is getting ready to start kindergarden, so now I have been feeling the angst of "what I am supposed to do now?" I am a stay at home mom, and want to continue to be, as it's important to me to be home with my kids if I can.


My mom seemed to be right about almost everything, especially about those very basic and most important things. She knew which friends and boyfriends weren't good for me. Countless times, she told me, "He's gonna break your heart." She was always right! When she met my husband, even though on the surface I didn't think they would really mesh, she said she felt like she'd known him forever. That's a pretty rousing endorsement, in my book. So... maybe she was right about the writing thing. I guess I'll never know unless I try, so here we go.